Here in a state of induced solace, the presence of an emergent unrest, grows ever more unsettling. Without admitting to relish an irresistible mood of comfort and general content, a twitch of pursuit towards something more fulfilling, now edges to the surface once more.
This frame of mind only became apparent after enduring much pain induced by enlightenment and self-discovery. A personal journey fuelled by uncertainty and the unwillingness to settle for second best, or inadequate mediocrity.
For many years I had convinced myself that my own happiness could evolve from within others, maturing into wholeness, that would satisfy my own prolonged desires. Hoping that nurturing something seemingly prospective in others would and could reach these set, unrealistic expectations.
The consequence was, investing time and emotions blindly, deprived from adequate satisfaction and all efforts lost to no avail. Yet only when truly being honest with myself, and taking objective observations of others into account, this perpetuated seed of restlessness was sown. Forcing myself to surrender to the prudent little voice that constantly reminded you of the anxieties you were oppressing. Suddenly all things started to mount to disappointment, reaching an inevitable point of saturation.
All that was once whole, felt broken and lacking, feeding this fire, ready to erupt. A final yet feeble blow struck a nerve and all that was so precious and cherished, crumbled down. With a sober awareness, a deep breath and open eyes, I plummeted into the abyss, with no chance or prospect of return…
Trust me, that decisions made in a conscious effort to ignore emotions and passion, are undoubtedly and irrevocably devastating. A void in the cavity of your chest that once held your beating heart, will ache like it was brutally ripped from your sole.
Along with the troubling lack of his possessions in the places that were once ours, the absence of his presence thickened the air. I often found myself desperately hoping to maybe undo what had been done, apprehensive of the pathetic action of pinching the skin, in an attempt to wake from this horrible dream.
This haze of utter devastation soon began to subside and reality hit like a ton of bricks; who are you and what the hell are you doing? Such a beautiful thing to emit this aura of “searching for your self-worth and trying to find yourself”, yet foolishly, I had no idea what this process of “self-discovery” entailed. An obvious and human reaction to grief and life-changing events, was to drown myself, whilst regret settled over my own little pity party.
Only when surrounding myself with people that have always held my best interest at heart, had I realised how oblivious I had been to unmistakable warning signs. How their prospect of my happiness and anticipated achievements, exceeded all my personal objectives and goals for a happy and seemingly fulfilling life.
I started by re-establishing relationships that were healthy and conducive to positive thinking, that encouraged recovering and established a confident version of myself. Subsequently I realised that I actually wasn’t a nagging bitch all the time, and that I had no reason to be angry anymore, as my environment was no longer toxic and embittering. I recognized the fact that my life now was less complicated and that I had much to be thankful for.
Like a typical purist, I made a list of promises to myself, dotting down exactly what I reject from my life, what I needed to change, what my goals were and how I would achieve them and what I desired, creating a concept of myself that would be preserved as precious. This feeling of regenerated self-worth, overshadowed the heartache and I was soon ready to venture into the partially unknown.
The first person with whom I crossed paths, needless to say, didn’t tick any of these prerequisite boxes, yet it had established a certain confidence in this concept generated, and had only strengthened certainty in my aversions and desires.
Then the optimistic anticipated, yet unexpected happened…
Within a crowd of a thousand unfamiliar faces, the grin on the face of a man, directed at me, caught my attention. Framed by the blurred movement of a shaking crowd, he swayed to the rhythm, unhindered and pleased. Met by his gaze from within the sea of people, the deafening music seemed to fade away, with only the beat maintaining an unconscious pulse of movement of my bones. I felt myself drawn to his tranquil demeanour within this confusion, and felt the need to engage. He lowered his mouth to my ear, and as his breath caressed my skin, I suddenly felt sober; hyper aware of his presence, his voice, his skin, his touch.
Instant chemistry, curiosity and passion ignited upon first contact, and suddenly I felt that I could be myself, no pretending, no games. I found myself following him around like a little bird, eager for his attention, whilst almost dismissing any feelings of restraint, with actions granted by surety, interest and pure intentions.
For the first time in my life I was called “beautiful”, not cute or funny, but genuinely adored as being beautiful, sexy and interesting. Suddenly I was no longer doubting my abilities but encouraged to pursue my passions and improve my skills. My whole perception of relationships shifted from the opinion of; investing time and energy into something, hoping you will get something back, towards a much healthier perspective of; being strengthened by someone that inspires you to be better.
So this was the point where the absolute solace in myself became an unrest to be better, to pursue bigger aspirations. Not settling for content, but striving towards greatness. I haven’t been pushed to explore my talents and follow my ambitions in a long time, so now I am venturing on a journey to discover myself once more, the better me I know I can be.